it's not just racist, it's also sexist.

reference: http://gogousagi.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-cell-phone-is-racist.html

twisting the knife.

Jessie 

btw my "o" key is brken nw

that ne was cpy pasted

Thomas 

hahahaha

my office mate's space bar was busted and i told him to use the same

solution, but he refused

Thomas 

soallhisgchatslookedlikethis

Jessie 

LL

err

FUCK

Thomas 

HAHAHA

you were just laughing loud

later....

Jessie 

GUESS WHAT ELSE IS BRKEN N MY LAPTP

HINT: ITS THE FUCKING CMMAND KEY

Thomas 

yikes dude

your laptop is not in good shape

Jessie 

meh the rest f its fine

....except the zer eight and nine keys

Thomas 

hey hey

watch this

ooooooooooooooooo 098098098098098098098098

five miles to the gallon.

Jessie 

whats yer status from?

Haven

dawn of war

Marine Apothecary

he's a warrior preist with a force shield

so when you activate it he says "with faith and this (giant impenitrable glowing spehere around him) i'm invincible"

i think he can get rid of the former requisite

and just stick with the "this"

Jessie 

yea

it sounds a little weird with both

i mean it could also work with just faith

Haven

well i dont know how far "just faith" gets you when youre taking heavy bolter fire from a Land Raider tank

girl talk! girl talk! the internet is losing it's mind because there's a new girl talk album!

Haven

nick drakes gmail status:

New Girl talk: URL

Jessie 

haven

we need to find a new thing

Haven

i say we do medieval bleeding

cuz NO ONE is doing that

Jessie 

dude totally

why do you think they get sick all the time?

Haven

you mean

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick all the time

she'll never be as thin as the other emoticons.

Jessie 

 if only ;___;

Rob

dude why is that sad face so wide

is it sadder bc it's so fucking fat?

classy as shieeeet.

Leah

hey lady

what are you up to this weekend?

Jessie 

hey!

tonight i think im going to this ac supper club thing

Leah

?

supper club?

that sounds like you should wear polyester and drink beer

i can't believe it's not semi-automatic.

Niko

I always thought it was weird in econ that they kept referring to those supply and demand charts using GUNS AND BUTTER

That will be my music group

Jessie

LOL

i never took econ but apparently i should have

Niko

Album title

KILL YOU SOFT ...AND HARD

the most logical response.

timestamp: 10:06 AM.

addiction.

Niko  

I AM SHOVELING AS MANY CHIPS INTO MY MOUTH AS POSSIBLE

Niko  

I DON'T KNOW WHY

Niko

IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING

ff13 wrap-up.

Jessie 

so i beat it last night but the game isn't over
there are also these 64 "ceith stone missions"
i have 8

Jimmy  

wait what

Jessie 

you finish the main story
and then it asks you if you would like to save
and then you do and it transports you to the last savepoint of the game
and you KEEP PLAYING FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING REASON
EVEN THOUGH TWO OF THE CHARACTERS BECAME IMMORTALIZED IN CRYSTAL FORM AT THE END OF IT
SOMEHOW THEYRE JUST BACK
* huff huff huff*

Jimmy  

JESSIE TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR
ASK YOURSELF
"DO I NEED THESE 64 STONES"
"ISN'T 8 GOOD ENOUGH"

my booty-call.

salty.

aaaand scene.

Jared 

why not reach?

Jessie 

i told gina we'd co-op reach as new roomie bonding

plus i never finished 3 and am feeling OCD about it

Jared  

spoiler alert: master chief wins

Jessie 

HAHAHA

Jared  

at life

Jessie 

he gets his dream career

he gets the girl (except not since she thinks herself to death or whatever)

i was hoping youd complete my thought with a hilarious third one

Jared 

and his 80s stylized high school football team wins the regional championship with a shot at the buzzer

Jessie 

SWISH

Jared 

which he coached

Jessie 

as his former-coach dad watched from the audience

Jared  

who looks exactly like him, but with a mustache drawn on the spartan visor

true friendship.

Thomas

thank you for being understanding

Jessie 

dude of course

Thomas

its part of why you're the best

Jessie 

aw shucks.

Thomas

the other part is that you're always down for shots

some magicians can walk on water. gordon freeman can swim through land.

Jessie 

if you pull that out of the oven

i honestly might try to mount it

Diana

That would be disastrous for your naughty bits

Jessie 

i see you are adept at planning ahead.

Diana

hahahaha

Jessie 

i wonder if they make heat-proof underwear.

gordon freeman would know.

Diana

He knows everything that is worth knowing.

all-terrain.

Jessie 

did i tell you what i got at toys r us?!

i have to MMS it to you because it's that good

it's remote control

Haven

oh dear.

is that a mongoose?

Jessie 

why yes, yes it is.  

we need to think of fun things to do with it in the office

Haven

deliver mail

Jessie 

hahaha

escort people who've been laid off out of the building

Haven

yes.

"SECURITY!"
* vrrrrrrrrrrrrr *

iphone screenshots.

office politics.

Jessie 

even you guys get snacks

all we get for free is coffeh

Diana

lame

laaaame

I mean, hard times and all.  I would rather they are paying your salary than providing bagels

Jessie 

i dunno, tough call there

i really like bagels

Diana

Okay, tell you what.

You go pick someone at THQ, and get them fired

Their annual salary will probably cover a year's worth of bagels

Diana

Now, if you want cream cheese, you'll also have to get like, some entry level person canned

Pro tip: if you get yourself fired, people will get bagels, but those people will not be you

not even a great fiction writer could make that up.

Jessie 

someone just called asking to speak to "mana tee"

i thought it was a prank

turns out it was a wrong number

this means there's someone out there actually named "manatee"

Haven

*buries face in hands*

I DO WHAT I WANT

Jessie 

mraww

Rob

you're not a dinosaur

Jessie 

YOU DONT KNOW THAT

two tickets, please.

Becca

booo

I'm like an abandoned friend

abandoned for video games

Jessie 

i mean if you were shiny

and had guns and stuff

i might hang out with you more

Becca

I do have guns

two of them

I use them for hand-stands

nostalgic for the days when eating an entire pizza in one sitting was considered attractive.

Justin

jessisaurus is a legit nickname though

unless it is in reference to short arms

Jessie 

cant say ive ever been known for short arms

Justin

in many cultures that is the ultimate compliment

it means you are royalty and dont have to reach for things

the most important role in the movie.

Kristin 

oh my god can i do that with you

i will play the part of his shoulder bag

dealbreaker.

another classic.

Charlie

i always thought Mary-Kate and Ashley were three people

Charlie

I'd see them in pictures all the time and think "Where the fuck is Kate?"

honestly i'd prefer the banana bread.

Schieber

we baked banana bread.

Schieber

and you call california exciting.  go party with paris hilton.  we have banana bread.

it's not rape, it's...

where else can you get a used copy of soul calibur IV for $9.99?

Jessie 

so i was at blockbuster the other day

and they had

mint.  chocolate.  chip.  cookiedoughbites.

Mike 

....what?

Jessie 

I KNOW. 

AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

Mike

no, perlo, i meant what the fuck were you doing in a blockbuster?

did you get there via time machine?

the colors, duke.

Jessie

see but its final fantasy

its a game meant to be played after shutting out the world

in spurts of 70 hours

Jimmy

you have...a point

Jessie

but honestly, its kind of... fun

Jimmy 

just sitting back and watching everyone do their thing?

i've heard it described like a pachinko machine

Jimmy 

you're not doing shit, but the colors my god the COLORS

iphone > droid.

Dave 

I'm gonna buy my ticket right now online

Cool?

Jessie

fandango doesnt have it--is there another way?

Dave

I'm doing it through my droid 

Jessie

fuck your droid

trying to corrupt my parents at dinner

planting the seeds of doubt about the iphone

Dave

Lol

Alright, gonna take a shower

Jessie 

take your droid with you

droids love showers

and water

the best kind.

Jared

what

i thought the pink girl was like the daughter from the future

Jessie

yea she is

Jared

when Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask ruled the Moon with an iron (but well manicured and sparkly) fist

totally.

Jessie 

how far did you get in ff?

Jimmy

i didn't

haven't even picked it up

Jimmy  

all those reviews

and then watching my brother hit the shoulder button every ten seconds

thought i'd pass

Jessie

i had the same reservations before i went to frys, but jimmy

the box.. the box was so shiny

Jimmy

shiny things are going to be the end of you, jessie

you know this

we're going to hell.

Diana 

So, apparently one of the gals on this floor decided she really needed to know and took a pregnancy test in the office bathroom

Does it make me a bad person that I kind of what to look and see if it was positive?

Jessie

asking that question makes you a bad person

Jessie

because youre wasting precious time that should be spent finding this thing in the trash and telling me what it says.

it's a very serious condition.

Jessie

whass yo gamertag btw?

Jimmy 

it's "*************"

but

i ain't connected to live

Jessie

friendship over.

Jimmy 

FINE

FORGET YOU

Jessie

im sorry it was the hedgehogs dilemma talking  ;__;

so appropriate it's scary.

Henry

oh yeah I called that girl kim

Henry

she was in italy but

Henry

she lives near cape canaveral, which is only appropriate seeing as how all i want to do is blast off in her

1 x 2 =

Jessie

i hate when i rotate it in the wrong direction

then its like

"OH GREAT THERE ARE TWO STEPS INSTEAD OF ONE NOW"

Kristin

THAT'S LIKE DOUBLE THE STEPS

FUCK IT

and with that, he became one of my favorite people.

Jessie 

did land before time get you to eat your broccoli as well? 

watching the herbivores eat trees made it so much more appealing

that movie is the only reason i ever got vitamins

Jared Y.

Land Before Time didn't have to get me to eat broccoli

I already identified with the dinosaur they find on the way that eats everything.

between "girls gone wild" and "extenze".

Jessie

hahaha dereks sister is on WWTDD  http://www.wwtdd.com/2010/05/jessica-stutta-everyone-else/

Gina

HAH nice.  I didn't realize she was really a celeb

Jessie

yea apparently

all i knew about her was that she was in the vaginacat dolls

Gina

LOL vagicat

Jessie

it sounds like a sham-wow type product

that would be sold through infomercials on comedy central at 3 AM

Gina

VAGICAL CLEANING POWER

understandably.

Jessie

THQ interview tomorrow

i might actually pee myself when i walk in

Diana

lol  They frown on that

you just have to let him unlock you with it.

Jessie

apparently theres an anime convention downtown?

i had no idea, my dad told me this morning 

Jared

i heard about the convention

check this text i woke up to this morning

Alex: some guy dressed as Sora from Kingdom Hearts just bought me a shot.  I hope I don't have to touch his Keyblade.

for full power absorption you also have to eat their heart.

Niko

http://gizmodo.com/5537123/the-2010-illusion-of-the-year-is-gloriously-mind+melting

Jessie

HOLY FUCK

i wish i was japanese so i could build cool contraptions like that

Niko

You don't have to be Japanese

You just need to kill one and smear their blood on your face

he keeps getting older, they keep stayin the same age.

Gina

dude I am at a coffee shop in culver city, and the girl who works here is a cute 19 yr old

this customer dude is probably at least 26 and has been hitting on her for at least 20 min

Jessie

oh jeez, CREEPY

Gina

yeah... shudder

shudder island

Jessie 

LOL

is she giving him deflection signals?

Gina

she's just chatting like normal

but i know he wants to hit dat shiet

he asked her HOW OLD SHE IS

Jessie 

HAHAHA

Gina

i just heard him say "I don't really care about age..."

Jessie

there are only two answers to that question

"under 18" or "over 18"

final fantasy xiii

Jessie

and dear Vanille: PICK AN ACCENT AND STICK WITH IT

are you australian?!

british?

I CANT TELL

Jimmy

I thought that other chick was australian too

you can't have two australians in one game that's too many

my cell phone is racist.

i thought this sort of thing only happened in hilarious standup comedy routines

another south park reference.

Akira

Hello I am nintendo here is the 3ds it performs magic

would you like one?

Jessie

LOL

i keep waiting for him to say "you americans have VERY LAAAAARGE PENISU"*


*reference for those not in the know

pre-E3

Jessie

i cant wait to try shit and get swag

Kristin

oh, the swag is awesome

it's so loud and boomy and like...totally overwhelming

you just kind of walk around staring at things for a while

Jessie

LOL

i think im going to bring a strap

to keep my jaw up

Kristin

you might need a c-clamp

maximum strength

step 3: profit

Jessie

i think she and the yoga instructor started boinking recently

they werent at first.  i think he waited till she built up her core strength

HIS SECRET PLAN ALL ALONG

Thomas

haha

a brilliant plan

Jessie

he was grooming her for his needs

Thomas

step 1: make girls hot and flexible

step 2: bang.

okay he might be psychic.

Jessie

OHMUHGUH

YOULL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST GOT HERE

Thomas 

IT DIDNTTTTTTT

Jessie

OH YES IT DID

Thomas 

MAMA

FUCKING

MIA

not for our hands it doesn't.

Jessie

got plans tonight?

Thomas

yeppp

mitchs last night, he leaves for new york tomorrow morning

Jessie

oh jeez wow

i was gonna ask if you wanted to play smash brothers till our hands bleed

Thomas

ugh

that sounds awesome

it's a metaphor for the duality of human nature.

Jessie

(Kele - Tenderoni) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdQioZHYpvQ

from the lead singer of bloc party

Niko

The OG Tenderoni singer: (Bobby Brown - Tenderoni) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TtwflaKoNo

Jessie

when i think tenderoni i think chromeo

Niko

Yeah, completely diff songs, haha

ALL CALLED TENDERONI

OF ALL WORDS TO REUSE FOR A SONG TITLE

Jessie

TENDERONI IS A UNIVERSAL THEME

LIKE THE HEROS JOURNEY

Niko

HAHAHA

ARCHETYPES IN LITERATURE

1. TRAGIC HERO

2. BACKSTABBING BEST FRIEND

3. TENDERONI

too bad they have to spend most of it on VD treatments.

Jessie

poll: when an applicant with an above average-sized posterior wears a pencil skirt she looks like: a) a must-have addition to your company who is clearly deserving of a $35-40k salary, or b) a porn secretary.

Diana

i feel like porn secretarys make about $40k a year

how many people have pointed that out?

how to commit to a joke.

Jared

i think we are done talking about shoes

next we are going to talk about our periods and finally boys

Jessie

hahahah

so.

how is your flow this month?

Jared

bye

Jared Torre has disconnected

i think she might be a wizard.

Jessie

im just gonna be waiting anxiously from now on

for SOMEONE, ANYONE to bring up something involving either crocs or gators

Niko

You need to steer conversations into that direction

Or just say it anyway

Who cares if it's irrelevant to whatever they're talking about

Niko 

Clearly, crocs/gators are more interesting

Jessie

the conversation could be about cottonballs

Niko

"You know what doesn't feel like cottonballs?  CROCODILES"

it's somewhere around 45 degrees.

Niko

Conceptual math is not my deal

I liked word problems though

A BOMB IS GOING TO GO OFF

Niko 

TAKE THIS CAR AND CHOOSE HOW YOU SHOULD DRIVE OVER DIFFERENT TERRAINS TO GET THERE BEFORE IT GOES OFF

I fucking killed those

Jessie

LOL

"at what angle would you fire your rocket launcher to pwn mad bitches?"

Niko

THE ANGLE OF YOUR FUCKING FACE

he's not really psychic. reading my mind is just flipping a coin that has "cheesecake" on one side and "a wendy's baconator" on the other.

Jessie

wanna do something after?

Thomas

maybe

i'm lookin for a low key night

i was gonna ask how you felt about maybe playing some wii

Jessie

OH MY GOD I WAS JUST THINKING THAT

GET OUT OF MY BRAIIIIN

Thomas

nope still in there

watch

"i want cheesecake"

"NYARRRRRRR"

im pretty sure they offer that class at devry.

Cait

im off to take fucking skills tests

Cait

that sounded really awkward

Cait

lol, the dark side of the music school

i wish the same were true for the effects of exercise on my weight.

Jessie

i feel like whenever im not expecting something or prepared for it, it happens

the universe regularly pulls a fast one on me

Thomas

thats how shit always happens

like kristin 

she used to be like "if i want to have sex, i go to the grocery store and don't buy condoms"

i hope she likes top ramen.

Becca

ok I have a friend that works in video games here at CAA

and he says add him on facebook and he will tell you what he knows

his name is akira thompson.  he's great

Jessie

omg

becca tesarfreund

will you marry me?

Becca

you better put out.

and cook for me.

easy solution: change the name of the site to "sperm audio".

Jessie

im also sending you my finished logo for tadpole audio

if it looks like shit im counting on you to be honest and warn me

Jared

you mean Sperm Audio

Jessie

hahahaha

Jared

i think the tadpole should have a mouth

and he should be using it to spout racist obsenities

Jessie

LOL

but srsly, is it okay?

Jared

i could do without the cheezy lens flare

a lens flare is fine, but the standard photoshop lens flare is too obvious

Jessie

thats the part im wondering about

maybe if i just fade the shit out of the flare

so it looks more like a reflection of something glowing

Jared

yeah, like an ovum that he is swimming towards